This post is 100% post dated. It was drafted somewhere around Dec 2013 and Jan 2014. I never posted it probably for fear of someone I didn't want finding it. No longer have those same fears in 2017, ha. Currently starting a 2017 post that hopefully I can have up in a few days.

All I Want Is To Be Happy...

Had to post this somewhere, but not somewhere everyone would see it and ask about it.
So I figured this was the one place no one would find it, but I'd still have gotten it off my chest.
Also, I avoid incriminating titles and language so no one else gets dragged into my mood swings.

Dear blog that nobody reads,

First and foremost, in regards to the complete lack of any relationship over the last few years: you'd think after making a career out of both being made to feel and setting myself up to feel this way, that I'd both be used to this feeling right now, and pretty numb to it. Well you'd think wrong. Still sucks. It's really not anyone's fault but my own. Having both rushed and jinxed something that I promised to let play out. But what else is new... Well, the fraternity I'm pledging (and re-founding at the same time) is new I guess. Well anything that's happened in the last few years is technically new because I suck at actually documenting my thoughts like I thought I would...

Either way, the fraternity... is a fraternity. We make a lot of bold claims and hold our heads up high like we are so different from the others, but I don't see it. Not yet. I walked away from our biggest fall event not even wanting to be a re-founding pledge anymore, ready to turn in my pin. Luckily (or something like that) it was a 4 hour drive home and enough to change my mind. My text to my "big bro" was:

"I feel awful. Like that should have been fun right? For me it really wasn't. The parts I enjoyed were getting to see and sit down with you, meet my twin and your roommate, and get to know some of our sister sorority... I feel like I'm more disappointed and aggravated at my brothers than I was before we left. Completely looked down on and treated lowly by the actives who are complete strangers to me. We didn't really come close to winning a game or having teamwork, I'm hoping my ankle and knee aren't actually messed up (because I still don't have health insurance), and to top it off I'm just further behind than I should be in classes and the RA job... frustrated 

Idk, I just feel the way of Jesus is about love and grace and welcoming people in. Not exclusion, humiliation, pride and hubris. Those are stumbling blocks. I can pretend to understand how a freshman or younger person might not recognize such qualities but I personally feel like we're doing it wrong. And it makes me question if it's something I actually want to be a part of..." ~Sat, Oct 19, 2013 9:19PM

To which I received a very encouraging response (that I will not directly quote without permission) about seasons of being further or closer to Christ, and how our chapter was in fact our chapter. It is up to the 9 of us to decide what kind of brothers we want to be and how we want our chapter to run.

This kept me motivated for a few weeks, 3 to be exact, at which point I was starting to lose motivation again. At which point my "big bro" asked me what motivated me to stay in the fraternity. My response was:

"A hope for the future. To know that regardless of what I'm feeling, or my impression of some of the chapters or actives (based mostly on the fall event) that this fraternity is in fact something worth the time and effort; something worth joining. Also that our refounding of it here means good things for many generations of young men to come. And the greatest motivation is just how much I've come to care for each of my 8 brothers individually. We're so spread out in age, major and personality but Jesus brings us together and in just 2 months we have truly started to bond to a place that I'm not willing to just walk away and let them down."

Received some more uplifting words that encouraged me to keep my head up and remember that what I was starting was a small role in a much larger picture.

Less than a week later, with my final test before initiation and a very important meeting tomorrow, I was yet again feeling discouraged, this time realizing a little more specifically why. To my "big bro" again:

"Feeling so discouraged today. Honestly just kinda over the fraternity and the hardest parts of pledging for the 9 of us are what actually remain...." ~Sat. Nov 9, 8:17PM

to which I was asked "what made today so hard?"

"Nothing specific. Just to the point, and probably encouraged by this splitting headache that I have, that the drive behind it feels gone. Keep reaching for more wood to stoke the fire and realizing it's down to twigs and bark with 2 months still to go for us. Scratching my head and trying to convince myself that it's worth it."

The response, while almost certainly intended to be encouraging, missed by a long shot in terms of offering words that validated my hopes and weeded out my worries. And so here I sit, not studying for my final like would probably be beneficial, but instead writing this all out because I had to get it organized into one actual collection of thoughts. Had a good conversation today with one of my brothers, but nothing that helped convince me that my worries were not valid, and that this was in fact much more than I was seeing. A conversation that was followed by another conversation that was the most sly and graceful way of being friend-zoned I have personally received in my life, so that was fun... It'd be pretty easy to blame other people for feeling this way. Pretend like their teasing and talking about it scared her away. Or that nobody can in fact keep their mouth shut about something even when asked to by a friend. But really, the bulk of the responsibility here is on me, so I'll carry it.

Completely changing gears. I remember being a sophomore in high school (Summer 2004), sitting outside a gym in the foothills of Montana. 3 days into "Americas Toughest Wrestling Camp: Mentally, Physically, Spiritually" EternalWarrior. They weren't kidding. Here I sat after a conditioning practice, crying because I had never been so drained: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. My entire body had abrasions both from wrestling and from running, swimming and working out in the mountains of Montana. How on earth was I supposed to make it through this? How on earth was I supposed to survive 12 more days of this grind. I opened our devotional book and read a few of the pages, one of which talked about doing one thing when nothing else makes sense. PUSH. Pray Until Something Happens. Touche God, touche...