A flower for your vanity, a penny for your thoughts...
Song of the night: "Brooklyn" by Wakey!Wakey!
Man it has been some time since I took time to document the ridiculous thought trains that travel through the maze of my mind. As my thoughts race faster than Hidalgo and Viggo Mortensen did across barren deserts, I sit wondering what to tell you all about. Work? School? Life? Love? Why?... Ok who am I kidding, I blog tonight because my heart has been awoken in this place we call "real life" once again. It was more of a slap in the face than a simple 'awakening'. You see, for the first time in awhile, I was made oblivious to someones intentions, which is not typical of me. She managed to be the first person in awhile to elude my keen perceptions of interest. A good sign indeed. for normally I can read people decently. so when i cant, they are something special. I dont mean I can read minds. simply that my social interactions typically lead me to someones intentions relatively quickly. the fakes I find out quite quick. the authentic I embrace, the comedic I laugh with, the haters I avoid. and then there are those that elude me. And when they catch me off guard, a sudden feeling comes over, more than just surprise, an immense curiosity overwhelms. So is positive progress being made in this tale of interaction? For the brief fraction of a moment in which they have sparked up, I would dare to say yes. I mean afterall, the comment to me was "jeff, you ARE going to ask her out right?" And when I responded in confusion and was laughed at, it hit me. I had been completely oblivious. And so I have decided to push back, and see what awaits me in the unknown of this person (I would name names, but it seemes irrelevant to the chain of thought, and unfair to them without permission to do so). However, I have the terribly bad habit of investing more emotionally, physically and spiritually than I get in return. I am often fooled by the opposite sex. Led on to believe one thing when another was intended. A problem I typically have, but have learned from everytime. A lesson in patience and being careful, for hearts may feel solid as rock sometimes, but they are brittle things, easily broken. At the moment, I want to pace things and not rush head first. But at the same time, I've failed in such a way before as to let others come in and take the place I was pursuing. I mean, I have no intention of hurting myself here. Though understand, having never had an official "relationship" yet in my life, with plenty of flings, it would be no new territory for me. Not somewhere I enjoy treading, but risk must be taken if ever I am to achieve such. I was told this once by a friend "I have this feeling that once you get into an official "relationship" it will be your only one. once you find that one girl to persue, she will be the one. i don't know why". Funny this person said this, its a plot I have run through my head multiple times. which I must say, is unfair to some of those that have pursued me, as I stick myself immediately into a "is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?" mindset, which is somewhat unfair to them. I mean, isnt half the point in 'dating' getting to know someone? opening up, being authentic, honest and vulnerable? Or have I mis-read the purpose since day 1? I mean, I have always believed that the women I marry will not be perfect. But her imperfections will become perfections to me. All the things that turned others away, will turn me towards. Its a state of heart that one must work to, and through, for an entire lifetime. Something that can be very hard for me, as I am wired to be man, and man desires things of the eyes, which more often than not are blinding to beauty (see previous blog). I am no exception. I am human. A sinner, a failure, a fool. I surly have made mistakes yesterday, and today and will tomorrow. Does this make me unworthy? I hope not.
Just moments ago I stood outside, under broken clouds and a half-starlit night. I could not help but remember hope; to be reminded of the constants in this life. That hope is always there, that joy can always be found buried in the rubble of our hearts, discovered in our daily lives. That love in fact does exist, even amongst the monstrosity of a definition by which it survives today, it is something so true and so constant that people cannot break it. Our failures as people say nothing of love and everything of us. We, people, find a way to butcher so many things that are pure and joyous at heart; as close to perfect as we can experience on this planet, love being one of the strongest. We throw the word around, day dream about it, drool in our sleep over it, and butcher it daily by using it falsly; again and again and again. End side rant.
So where does this leave me tonight?
I am left only with the unknown future. Jimmy Eat World once sang:
"You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine"
I couldn't agree more. If there is one thing that remains mine in this, it is the ending. The almighty alone knows where this story goes, and how it ends, or doesn't. It is left to me then to do what I can. To leave behind the past failures, and ignore the losses. To put my mind on the big picture, to push for the future, for what awaits me. After all, I want to be seen for who I am now, not for who I was. Though part of me wishes to ignore the failures all together, they are a huge part of my life experience. I have learned lessons from every one of them. I cannot change the past, nor can I predict the future, I can only act in the now. So that is what I intend to do. Patiently, carefully, all-out and completely full speed I charge into the future, praying for the best, minding my footsteps, and for once listening for answers as they come, as opposed to catching their reverberating echo some time later. God speed.
