Blinded by Eyes

current song stuck in my head: Feeling the Moment by Feeder

Sometimes I desire nothing more than to curse my humanity. The inner conflicts I present myself with on a daily basis, I break myself down and build back up on an hourly basis. The savage, base creature that lays dormant inside all of us and eats me away from the inside; there is nothing I wish to defeat more in this world. A great battle raging inside me. An eagle and a wolf. The eagle is true, and good. It soars for the highest heights and lays its eggs up on cliffs and in trees, the high places. The wolf is fierce, beastly, savage. It demands respect and recognition from the pack and his carnivorous appetite and taste for blood cannot be quenched. You may ask, which of these two creatures will win out?

The one I feed.

I am about to go in a direction that may offend some, and for that I am sorry, but I don't believe complete benevolence is ever possible, no matter how boldly I strive for it. I just hope you can see the conflict I am faced with and the attitude I seek to help overcome it.

At this very moment, I find myself begging, pleading, praying to my heavenly father, that he would not let my eyesight deceive me of beauty. For being the savage man that I am, I often find myself seeking something more, for what I see "Is not good enough" for what I desire. How entirely base is that? I find that side of me to be absolutely pathetic, disgusting, that I think myself so worthy. That for some reason unproven by me, that I deserve what this world would call beautiful, sexy, hot. Who defined these words? Who made them the stupid standard that they are, that I have passed up so many opportunities, friendships and more for... just because it didn't look the way I wanted it to. I am blinded by my own eyes. I miss the true beauty in people that our loving father put into every part of this earth. Everywhere, everything, it is all beautiful in God's eyes, so why do mine tell me that it has to have a certain shine, cup size, or skirt length? Why does she have to look like THAT to be beautiful? My heart tells me she doesn't. My heart just wants the girl out there whose smile can take my breath away. The one whose energy, attitude, and approach on life makes my heart skip beats at times. I know they are out there, I see them everyday, and I pass them by and send them straight out of my mind because my eyes say its wrong. Again my heart argues back. It wants what is true, what is right. Someone who is funny. Intelligent. Kind-Hearted. Strong-Headed. Simple. Complicated. Motherly. Childish. Tough. Sensative. Beautiful in every way... that is the girl my heart dreams about... not the cover of a playboy. The number of friends I have told over and over of their true beauty, yet I deny strangers the same courtesy. God has put girls like this in front of me over and over, and everytime I seem to tell him "God: Shes too tall, too short, not athletic, she wouldn't talk to me if she knew I smoke (when I do), she's got that weird piercing, shes flat, her teeth...." the number of absolutely stupid excuses I have presented to God, but more importantly myself, baffle me... I am nothing shy of ashamed. And I honestly feel a need to apologize to my family, my friends, my world. You all are all oh so beautiful and unique in your own way. I dont care how cliche that sounds. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something, or doesnt feel that way themselves so they bring you down to bring themselves up. I must stop. I must start seeing beauty for beauty. I started this topic with the intention of talking about the beauty in everything... people, places, things... but I also rememberd that I am trying to be an open book for my world. That my thoughts might bounce off your minds and hearts and back at me in a whole new way. And in that attempt, I realized my struggle was with physical beauty, lust, the passion we see in every hollywood movie. Even just very recently God has put someone in my life that I find to be many of the amazing qualities I listed above. She is intelligent. Caring. Friendly. Patient. Takes intrest in my intrests. Listens, yet has so much to say back that I find myself eagerly listening. Though we have only begun to get to know each other, I can already see where my eyes are throwing warning flags at me, and I want to tell them to go to hell, for they will. But yet I struggle. After what I just wrote you'd think it would be nothing but an obvious decision, and I suppose it is. But it is so much easier said than done, and how I live right now will prove that, for I am flawed, and I know this, and I will try to live as best a flawed life I can in an attempt to find beauty where I let myself down. This is where my heart and mind has been recently and I just wanted to share. I dare you to see beauty for what it is, because I am still trying.
-Jeff

"Why love if losing hurts so much?
We love to know that we are not alone."
~C.S. Lewis

What Gives?

Man, what a place to start, from the beginning; starting from the brokenness. Trying to make sense out of shattering into a million pieces. Trying to call out in the darkness, an echo in the silence. All alone in the middle of the pacific ocean, floating, with nothing in sight but ocean no matter where I turn. This is where I will begin this documentation of my mind. My own personal published journal for the world to see. You may ask yourself "What gives?". I do.

I give. I'm done. Finished and through. Once again and not for the last time, I am over where I am right now and what I think and how I feel. Where do I start, the past? But why? The past doesn't matter, its already done, and the future is yet to come. So why tell you all about the churches that failed me, or how I failed them. The friends that abandoned me and those that I walked out on, purposefully or not. The girls that broke my poor little teenage heart, or the ones that I know I hurt, or the ones that I beat myself up over. What about them? "Jeff, we're friends" words that my heart never recovered from. "Jeff, you are the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for because you are the only one that doesnt want to date me, your like a brother, the best of brothers. A girl never had a better guy friend" never in my life have I longed to be with someone so much but let it stay inside because what she needed was a best guyfriend, so thats what I was. "Can we not tell anyone about this" the secrets I have promised never to reveal, and the scars they have left on me and on others. What do these things matter? That I am bitter? Maybe, no, certainly. That I am discouraged, unconfident, and alone. That I have huge trust issues, or that my heart seeks companionship? I mean really, who doesnt? Am I just like everyone else? I sure hope not. In fact, I believe not. For a long time I have pushed myself to be an open book to this world. But hearing myself think yeserday I realized that I am a closed book. That I have my past, and my nightmares that keep me up at night. I am a beast, I am human, I am a sinner and a failure and a fool. Where do I begin if not the past?

I say I begin in the now. That today is new for today. That all I have ever had and all I ever will have is now. This moment, its all that I truly have to my name. Afterall, before I was, the world existed just fine, and after I am gone, all I own will be redistributed and the world will continue on as it did. So what truly do I have? I have now. This day, this time, why not seek the best that I can while I can. I want what everyone else wants. Security, peace, love, friendship, joy, laughter and smiles. But if I spend my life shooting for tomorrow I will only fail myself because today will pass me by. I don't care if you do not believe The Bible is the guidebook to the soul or not, I say at base, it is still a wonderful piece of literature. Matthew 6:34 states "So don't wory about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." You see, sitting here worried about loss, and fear, and acceptence... its meaingless. We must act upon what is before us, and be willing at all times to lose it all in an instant, because it is entirely possible, life is no garuntee.

Away from my philisophical rant and back to my mind. At this moment, I think I am pleased to be truly alone. That though I see the joy's I could have in companionship with... a girlfriend, lets say, I also believe that perhaps as long as I remain unclean I am not worthy of such joy. That I must find another rebirth, again. Ha, another rebirth, how redudanct, but oh how true. I think these purges of self are good and healthy. That it is entirly ok to step back and take a look at where you are at, mentally, physically, spiritualy, and then see if that is truly who you want to be. I dare you to be who you want to be. Because I am haunted by my past and afraid of the future. 1 Peter 4:3 "You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.". I am done, ready to move on and embrace tonight. To be real. So ask me what gives.

"I do"