a penny for your thoughts

A flower for your vanity, a penny for your thoughts...

Song of the night: "Brooklyn" by Wakey!Wakey!


Man it has been some time since I took time to document the ridiculous thought trains that travel through the maze of my mind. As my thoughts race faster than Hidalgo and Viggo Mortensen did across barren deserts, I sit wondering what to tell you all about. Work? School? Life? Love? Why?... Ok who am I kidding, I blog tonight because my heart has been awoken in this place we call "real life" once again. It was more of a slap in the face than a simple 'awakening'. You see, for the first time in awhile, I was made oblivious to someones intentions, which is not typical of me. She managed to be the first person in awhile to elude my keen perceptions of interest. A good sign indeed. for normally I can read people decently. so when i cant, they are something special. I dont mean I can read minds. simply that my social interactions typically lead me to someones intentions relatively quickly. the fakes I find out quite quick. the authentic I embrace, the comedic I laugh with, the haters I avoid. and then there are those that elude me. And when they catch me off guard, a sudden feeling comes over, more than just surprise, an immense curiosity overwhelms. So is positive progress being made in this tale of interaction? For the brief fraction of a moment in which they have sparked up, I would dare to say yes. I mean afterall, the comment to me was "jeff, you ARE going to ask her out right?" And when I responded in confusion and was laughed at, it hit me. I had been completely oblivious. And so I have decided to push back, and see what awaits me in the unknown of this person (I would name names, but it seemes irrelevant to the chain of thought, and unfair to them without permission to do so). However, I have the terribly bad habit of investing more emotionally, physically and spiritually than I get in return. I am often fooled by the opposite sex. Led on to believe one thing when another was intended. A problem I typically have, but have learned from everytime. A lesson in patience and being careful, for hearts may feel solid as rock sometimes, but they are brittle things, easily broken. At the moment, I want to pace things and not rush head first. But at the same time, I've failed in such a way before as to let others come in and take the place I was pursuing. I mean, I have no intention of hurting myself here. Though understand, having never had an official "relationship" yet in my life, with plenty of flings, it would be no new territory for me. Not somewhere I enjoy treading, but risk must be taken if ever I am to achieve such. I was told this once by a friend "I have this feeling that once you get into an official "relationship" it will be your only one. once you find that one girl to persue, she will be the one. i don't know why". Funny this person said this, its a plot I have run through my head multiple times. which I must say, is unfair to some of those that have pursued me, as I stick myself immediately into a "is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?" mindset, which is somewhat unfair to them. I mean, isnt half the point in 'dating' getting to know someone? opening up, being authentic, honest and vulnerable? Or have I mis-read the purpose since day 1? I mean, I have always believed that the women I marry will not be perfect. But her imperfections will become perfections to me. All the things that turned others away, will turn me towards. Its a state of heart that one must work to, and through, for an entire lifetime. Something that can be very hard for me, as I am wired to be man, and man desires things of the eyes, which more often than not are blinding to beauty (see previous blog). I am no exception. I am human. A sinner, a failure, a fool. I surly have made mistakes yesterday, and today and will tomorrow. Does this make me unworthy? I hope not.

Just moments ago I stood outside, under broken clouds and a half-starlit night. I could not help but remember hope; to be reminded of the constants in this life. That hope is always there, that joy can always be found buried in the rubble of our hearts, discovered in our daily lives. That love in fact does exist, even amongst the monstrosity of a definition by which it survives today, it is something so true and so constant that people cannot break it. Our failures as people say nothing of love and everything of us. We, people, find a way to butcher so many things that are pure and joyous at heart; as close to perfect as we can experience on this planet, love being one of the strongest. We throw the word around, day dream about it, drool in our sleep over it, and butcher it daily by using it falsly; again and again and again. End side rant.

So where does this leave me tonight?

I am left only with the unknown future. Jimmy Eat World once sang:

"You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end

The one thing that stays mine"

I couldn't agree more. If there is one thing that remains mine in this, it is the ending. The almighty alone knows where this story goes, and how it ends, or doesn't. It is left to me then to do what I can. To leave behind the past failures, and ignore the losses. To put my mind on the big picture, to push for the future, for what awaits me. After all, I want to be seen for who I am now, not for who I was. Though part of me wishes to ignore the failures all together, they are a huge part of my life experience. I have learned lessons from every one of them. I cannot change the past, nor can I predict the future, I can only act in the now. So that is what I intend to do. Patiently, carefully, all-out and completely full speed I charge into the future, praying for the best, minding my footsteps, and for once listening for answers as they come, as opposed to catching their reverberating echo some time later. God speed.

The Great Commission

“I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." ~ Matthew 28 : 18-20

So I found out last Thursday, April 2nd, that I have been chosen to be one of the handful of individuals sent by my college group to go to Australia this summer, July 16th-August 2nd, for an evangelical missions trip. Where does that leave me? It leaves me on the edge of my comfort zone, on the edge of this spiritual stepping stone that I have been doing laps around for years. I have come to know it all too well, inside and out. I have come to know it like the back of my hand. This means that Australia will mean nothing shy of jumping from this stepping stone and leaping on to a new one. I am excited, undoubtedly, but my heart is more nervous than I have been in a long time, a very very long time. I know that God will use every part of me that he can, as much as I am willing to give. I just want to make sure that I offer in purity as much as I truly am possible. I want this because I will not be internationally traveling for the first time to go dig trenches, or build a house. I am going to bring people home. I am going to sew the seed of faith to as many people as will hear it. I am willing, and I am terrified. I must make sure my heart is in the right place and my mind on truth if I am going to undergo this commission to the level of expectation that I have for myself. I know that this step is a good one for me, and I know that the trials I will face both in preparation and in the fire of action will be all the better in God's tempering of me. I seek only to do his will, wherever, whenever and to whoever that might be directed. To those that pray, if you could please do so for me regarding this trip and where I am at right now, that would be amazing. I know God has big plans for me, the book of Jeremiah tells me so. I just want to make sure it is under his timing and guidance, not my own. I will keep this Blog updated for my trip, including transpiring during preparation, on the trip, and after I am home. Our first official meeting is this week. Yikes. Thank You all and God Bless!

~Jeff

Blinded by Eyes

current song stuck in my head: Feeling the Moment by Feeder

Sometimes I desire nothing more than to curse my humanity. The inner conflicts I present myself with on a daily basis, I break myself down and build back up on an hourly basis. The savage, base creature that lays dormant inside all of us and eats me away from the inside; there is nothing I wish to defeat more in this world. A great battle raging inside me. An eagle and a wolf. The eagle is true, and good. It soars for the highest heights and lays its eggs up on cliffs and in trees, the high places. The wolf is fierce, beastly, savage. It demands respect and recognition from the pack and his carnivorous appetite and taste for blood cannot be quenched. You may ask, which of these two creatures will win out?

The one I feed.

I am about to go in a direction that may offend some, and for that I am sorry, but I don't believe complete benevolence is ever possible, no matter how boldly I strive for it. I just hope you can see the conflict I am faced with and the attitude I seek to help overcome it.

At this very moment, I find myself begging, pleading, praying to my heavenly father, that he would not let my eyesight deceive me of beauty. For being the savage man that I am, I often find myself seeking something more, for what I see "Is not good enough" for what I desire. How entirely base is that? I find that side of me to be absolutely pathetic, disgusting, that I think myself so worthy. That for some reason unproven by me, that I deserve what this world would call beautiful, sexy, hot. Who defined these words? Who made them the stupid standard that they are, that I have passed up so many opportunities, friendships and more for... just because it didn't look the way I wanted it to. I am blinded by my own eyes. I miss the true beauty in people that our loving father put into every part of this earth. Everywhere, everything, it is all beautiful in God's eyes, so why do mine tell me that it has to have a certain shine, cup size, or skirt length? Why does she have to look like THAT to be beautiful? My heart tells me she doesn't. My heart just wants the girl out there whose smile can take my breath away. The one whose energy, attitude, and approach on life makes my heart skip beats at times. I know they are out there, I see them everyday, and I pass them by and send them straight out of my mind because my eyes say its wrong. Again my heart argues back. It wants what is true, what is right. Someone who is funny. Intelligent. Kind-Hearted. Strong-Headed. Simple. Complicated. Motherly. Childish. Tough. Sensative. Beautiful in every way... that is the girl my heart dreams about... not the cover of a playboy. The number of friends I have told over and over of their true beauty, yet I deny strangers the same courtesy. God has put girls like this in front of me over and over, and everytime I seem to tell him "God: Shes too tall, too short, not athletic, she wouldn't talk to me if she knew I smoke (when I do), she's got that weird piercing, shes flat, her teeth...." the number of absolutely stupid excuses I have presented to God, but more importantly myself, baffle me... I am nothing shy of ashamed. And I honestly feel a need to apologize to my family, my friends, my world. You all are all oh so beautiful and unique in your own way. I dont care how cliche that sounds. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something, or doesnt feel that way themselves so they bring you down to bring themselves up. I must stop. I must start seeing beauty for beauty. I started this topic with the intention of talking about the beauty in everything... people, places, things... but I also rememberd that I am trying to be an open book for my world. That my thoughts might bounce off your minds and hearts and back at me in a whole new way. And in that attempt, I realized my struggle was with physical beauty, lust, the passion we see in every hollywood movie. Even just very recently God has put someone in my life that I find to be many of the amazing qualities I listed above. She is intelligent. Caring. Friendly. Patient. Takes intrest in my intrests. Listens, yet has so much to say back that I find myself eagerly listening. Though we have only begun to get to know each other, I can already see where my eyes are throwing warning flags at me, and I want to tell them to go to hell, for they will. But yet I struggle. After what I just wrote you'd think it would be nothing but an obvious decision, and I suppose it is. But it is so much easier said than done, and how I live right now will prove that, for I am flawed, and I know this, and I will try to live as best a flawed life I can in an attempt to find beauty where I let myself down. This is where my heart and mind has been recently and I just wanted to share. I dare you to see beauty for what it is, because I am still trying.
-Jeff

"Why love if losing hurts so much?
We love to know that we are not alone."
~C.S. Lewis

What Gives?

Man, what a place to start, from the beginning; starting from the brokenness. Trying to make sense out of shattering into a million pieces. Trying to call out in the darkness, an echo in the silence. All alone in the middle of the pacific ocean, floating, with nothing in sight but ocean no matter where I turn. This is where I will begin this documentation of my mind. My own personal published journal for the world to see. You may ask yourself "What gives?". I do.

I give. I'm done. Finished and through. Once again and not for the last time, I am over where I am right now and what I think and how I feel. Where do I start, the past? But why? The past doesn't matter, its already done, and the future is yet to come. So why tell you all about the churches that failed me, or how I failed them. The friends that abandoned me and those that I walked out on, purposefully or not. The girls that broke my poor little teenage heart, or the ones that I know I hurt, or the ones that I beat myself up over. What about them? "Jeff, we're friends" words that my heart never recovered from. "Jeff, you are the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for because you are the only one that doesnt want to date me, your like a brother, the best of brothers. A girl never had a better guy friend" never in my life have I longed to be with someone so much but let it stay inside because what she needed was a best guyfriend, so thats what I was. "Can we not tell anyone about this" the secrets I have promised never to reveal, and the scars they have left on me and on others. What do these things matter? That I am bitter? Maybe, no, certainly. That I am discouraged, unconfident, and alone. That I have huge trust issues, or that my heart seeks companionship? I mean really, who doesnt? Am I just like everyone else? I sure hope not. In fact, I believe not. For a long time I have pushed myself to be an open book to this world. But hearing myself think yeserday I realized that I am a closed book. That I have my past, and my nightmares that keep me up at night. I am a beast, I am human, I am a sinner and a failure and a fool. Where do I begin if not the past?

I say I begin in the now. That today is new for today. That all I have ever had and all I ever will have is now. This moment, its all that I truly have to my name. Afterall, before I was, the world existed just fine, and after I am gone, all I own will be redistributed and the world will continue on as it did. So what truly do I have? I have now. This day, this time, why not seek the best that I can while I can. I want what everyone else wants. Security, peace, love, friendship, joy, laughter and smiles. But if I spend my life shooting for tomorrow I will only fail myself because today will pass me by. I don't care if you do not believe The Bible is the guidebook to the soul or not, I say at base, it is still a wonderful piece of literature. Matthew 6:34 states "So don't wory about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." You see, sitting here worried about loss, and fear, and acceptence... its meaingless. We must act upon what is before us, and be willing at all times to lose it all in an instant, because it is entirely possible, life is no garuntee.

Away from my philisophical rant and back to my mind. At this moment, I think I am pleased to be truly alone. That though I see the joy's I could have in companionship with... a girlfriend, lets say, I also believe that perhaps as long as I remain unclean I am not worthy of such joy. That I must find another rebirth, again. Ha, another rebirth, how redudanct, but oh how true. I think these purges of self are good and healthy. That it is entirly ok to step back and take a look at where you are at, mentally, physically, spiritualy, and then see if that is truly who you want to be. I dare you to be who you want to be. Because I am haunted by my past and afraid of the future. 1 Peter 4:3 "You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.". I am done, ready to move on and embrace tonight. To be real. So ask me what gives.

"I do"