What Gives?

Man, what a place to start, from the beginning; starting from the brokenness. Trying to make sense out of shattering into a million pieces. Trying to call out in the darkness, an echo in the silence. All alone in the middle of the pacific ocean, floating, with nothing in sight but ocean no matter where I turn. This is where I will begin this documentation of my mind. My own personal published journal for the world to see. You may ask yourself "What gives?". I do.

I give. I'm done. Finished and through. Once again and not for the last time, I am over where I am right now and what I think and how I feel. Where do I start, the past? But why? The past doesn't matter, its already done, and the future is yet to come. So why tell you all about the churches that failed me, or how I failed them. The friends that abandoned me and those that I walked out on, purposefully or not. The girls that broke my poor little teenage heart, or the ones that I know I hurt, or the ones that I beat myself up over. What about them? "Jeff, we're friends" words that my heart never recovered from. "Jeff, you are the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for because you are the only one that doesnt want to date me, your like a brother, the best of brothers. A girl never had a better guy friend" never in my life have I longed to be with someone so much but let it stay inside because what she needed was a best guyfriend, so thats what I was. "Can we not tell anyone about this" the secrets I have promised never to reveal, and the scars they have left on me and on others. What do these things matter? That I am bitter? Maybe, no, certainly. That I am discouraged, unconfident, and alone. That I have huge trust issues, or that my heart seeks companionship? I mean really, who doesnt? Am I just like everyone else? I sure hope not. In fact, I believe not. For a long time I have pushed myself to be an open book to this world. But hearing myself think yeserday I realized that I am a closed book. That I have my past, and my nightmares that keep me up at night. I am a beast, I am human, I am a sinner and a failure and a fool. Where do I begin if not the past?

I say I begin in the now. That today is new for today. That all I have ever had and all I ever will have is now. This moment, its all that I truly have to my name. Afterall, before I was, the world existed just fine, and after I am gone, all I own will be redistributed and the world will continue on as it did. So what truly do I have? I have now. This day, this time, why not seek the best that I can while I can. I want what everyone else wants. Security, peace, love, friendship, joy, laughter and smiles. But if I spend my life shooting for tomorrow I will only fail myself because today will pass me by. I don't care if you do not believe The Bible is the guidebook to the soul or not, I say at base, it is still a wonderful piece of literature. Matthew 6:34 states "So don't wory about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." You see, sitting here worried about loss, and fear, and acceptence... its meaingless. We must act upon what is before us, and be willing at all times to lose it all in an instant, because it is entirely possible, life is no garuntee.

Away from my philisophical rant and back to my mind. At this moment, I think I am pleased to be truly alone. That though I see the joy's I could have in companionship with... a girlfriend, lets say, I also believe that perhaps as long as I remain unclean I am not worthy of such joy. That I must find another rebirth, again. Ha, another rebirth, how redudanct, but oh how true. I think these purges of self are good and healthy. That it is entirly ok to step back and take a look at where you are at, mentally, physically, spiritualy, and then see if that is truly who you want to be. I dare you to be who you want to be. Because I am haunted by my past and afraid of the future. 1 Peter 4:3 "You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.". I am done, ready to move on and embrace tonight. To be real. So ask me what gives.

"I do"